so lucas doesn't like poetry...and he wants to be poor?
lucas keeps a good blog here ---> lucas' blog <--- you should read it. he can't spell worth shit...but it's the kind of misspelling in an aesthetic way and it adds to the voice of his blog. he's a fucking genius too. sorry, i'm swearing, lucas makes me think of swearing. actually, he talks about this in his blog slightly, i can't figure out what he's really trying to say sometimes. but it's interesting nonetheless. (here's one of my favorite quotes from his most recent entry; "so i bought a cd and a fast food meal and it left me deaf and hungry.")
i have absolutely no idea what i'm going to write about right now, i just know i haven't written for a month or so. i wrote a good paper today. it was due at 5pm, and i started it at about 3:15pm. i was supposed to write a parody on one of the authors we've read in my survey of american lit. class. there was a problem though, i couldn't figure out, really, what a parody is. the definitions i found on the word parody implied that it was a piece of writing that showed some sort of fault in whatever it was parodying. i just wasn't feeling like criticizing a writer who's far better than i'll probably ever be. so i picked the short story that i felt most connected with that we've read, and i just wrote about a true story that had an almost exactly similar meaning, except i wrote about how i wish the ending would turn out. and the ending in the actual story, "hands" by Sherman Anderson, was quite ambiguous, so i commentated on that a bit, and it was fun. i love being forced to finish a piece of writing in a short amount of time. i usually get really inspired and it ends up being better than i hoped, and it's a great feeling. i hope Taylor knows how much i love him.
i don't know really why i have this obsession with 'hope'. i guess i just believe that it's sort of like drinking water. you have to drink water. most of your body is made up of water. you can't go three days without drinking some water, or you'll die. (i once studied about fasting and found that you can't go longer than two days without drinking water or you'll get really sick, and you won't live past three days without drinking water. but if you prepare your body correctly, you can live without food for approximately 21 days. i'd like to go sometime in my life without eating for a few weeks, it would be an amazing experience.) but joel wrote a song called "procession to follow" about how there is a reception immediately following a funeral. it's almost as if everyone is expected to grieve about a death and then go to a reception and have cake (pun intended*), smile, encourage, laugh even, etc. etc. are we supposed to pretend that it's not hard to lose a loved one. or even with smaller obstacles in life, are we not allowed to mourn, are we not expected to mourn. shit, i think i should be mourning almost all the time. i feel guilty if i'm not mourning about all the fucked up things in this world and in our lives...but that doesn't exclude the presence of hope. i must have hope. i must believe in hope. i must live for it, i feel like there's nothing else. i can't know God exists, i can only hope he exists. the bible defines "faith" to be this, "being sure of what you hope for, and the evidence of things unseen." shit, if we don't even have hope, than how can we have faith? hope is only the beginning. and faith isn't reserved for spiritual belief's, as most people tend to assume. but we, as humanity, put our faith in all sorts of things; the government, our spouses, our friends, our jobs, all of our comforts, we put our faith in them, all of them. i have to believe my girlfriend isn't going to screw me over, i have to learn to have faith in her. and she's away from me a lot of the time, so i have to learn to "be sure of what i hope for" in her. and she must do the same with me. (this is a sidenote, i wish every one would realize how vital it is to be a trustworthy person, seriously grow up and take responsibility for your actions. learn to do the right things all the time, because they will have an affect on your entire life. cause-effect. consequence.) anyway, too many people say they have "faith in god", but they really have none. (wow, i'm getting so sidetracked...scatterbrained. so much to say.) so hope. i believe it's like water, most of your body is made up of it. if you really examine yourself, you can't really make it without some sort of hope in something, whether you want to admit that or not. god, sometimes i wonder if i sound like an idiot. i just spend most of my time thinking as deeply into things as i can...i'm glad the people closest to me don't get too tired of all of it. poor aaron, he just wants me to leave him alone sometimes.
so, i believe in hope. that's a start for me, i'm happy with that. god? i want to believe in him. i believe in him in a sort of monotheistic way, sort of an "omnipresence" sort of way. i'm not sure beyond that. i'm just not. when i'm drunk i believe in god, i preach the word, i help the homeless. i've only been drunk twice, it's no good. drinking too much restricts your ability to place a censorship on how you'd most automatically respond to a situation. so deep down, most automatically, i want to be a christian. i just get so fucking** tired of consumerism/american/"make me feel good. i want to feel like a good person. Jesus loves me. i'm going to heaven." christianity and i don't want to be a part of it at all. AT ALL. it needs to change. something needs to change, and i'll be patient. but i believe in hope thoroughly. i'm also one of the most somber people you're bound to meet. i feel a strong sense of pain for certain people. people who are hurting, i feel pain for them, and i have hope for them. people who are pregnant too early, especially girls who get fucked and then the bastard leaves her. i feel pain for them, and i have hope for them. i feel pain for the families that have completely self-destructed their lives. but i have hope that the individual relationships in those situations can be healed, straigtened, beneficial. though the family is lost forever, the parts of the family might find a way to be. to be, productive. progressive. not destructive anymore, or regressive. wow, i digress. so i believe in hope. hope is not a personal characteristic, some people aren't just intrinsically more hopeful than others, it takes practice for every individual to become hopeful. if you believe in "should's and should not's", which everyone does, then you would probably agree that everyone should be hopeful by default. i'm glad lucas has made an attempt recently to be more hopeful. and i feel his pain. he is mourning. and he rejoices. they are simultaneous. just as hope should be paired with a healthy amount of wisdom that every situation could end up going wrong. but we hope, we hope for the best. i hope lucas finds peace. my friend bryn had something interesting to say about peace, though i don't remember what it was exactly, we were at breakfast before he had to go back to school. something about how "peace" is - "the state in which you're in rightness with God." most dictionaries define 'peace' as being "the freedom from...a list of negatives." but think of peace more as, "the ability to experience the positives." rightness with God. i'm all over the place, i'm in a good mood. i'm in love. dictionary.com defines "peace" to be "the normal, nonwarring condition...of something." so does that mean that if you aren't in war with your father, you just don't ever talk to him, then you're at peace with him? so does that mean, if we're not dropping bombs on another country, we're at peace with them? peace isn't so special if this is all it means, is it? and all we ask for is the world's peace...sorry. i believe in hope.
-andrew t.
*--- i've never understood why the common phrase is "no pun intended". is it a humility issue? because a "pun" is a literary device that adds humor to whatever is being said, and usually witty people will intend on using it...? so, PUN INTENDED. i'm not witty.
**--- i've used a bit of displeasing language in this blog entry, i hope you're not offended. i'll take the opportunity to blame it on my dear friend lucas, read his blog, you'll understand. i spent all of this past weekend with him. i need to be cleansed for a while.
currently listening to: "how it feels to be something on" by: Sunny Day Real Estate. jeremy enigk.
i have absolutely no idea what i'm going to write about right now, i just know i haven't written for a month or so. i wrote a good paper today. it was due at 5pm, and i started it at about 3:15pm. i was supposed to write a parody on one of the authors we've read in my survey of american lit. class. there was a problem though, i couldn't figure out, really, what a parody is. the definitions i found on the word parody implied that it was a piece of writing that showed some sort of fault in whatever it was parodying. i just wasn't feeling like criticizing a writer who's far better than i'll probably ever be. so i picked the short story that i felt most connected with that we've read, and i just wrote about a true story that had an almost exactly similar meaning, except i wrote about how i wish the ending would turn out. and the ending in the actual story, "hands" by Sherman Anderson, was quite ambiguous, so i commentated on that a bit, and it was fun. i love being forced to finish a piece of writing in a short amount of time. i usually get really inspired and it ends up being better than i hoped, and it's a great feeling. i hope Taylor knows how much i love him.
i don't know really why i have this obsession with 'hope'. i guess i just believe that it's sort of like drinking water. you have to drink water. most of your body is made up of water. you can't go three days without drinking some water, or you'll die. (i once studied about fasting and found that you can't go longer than two days without drinking water or you'll get really sick, and you won't live past three days without drinking water. but if you prepare your body correctly, you can live without food for approximately 21 days. i'd like to go sometime in my life without eating for a few weeks, it would be an amazing experience.) but joel wrote a song called "procession to follow" about how there is a reception immediately following a funeral. it's almost as if everyone is expected to grieve about a death and then go to a reception and have cake (pun intended*), smile, encourage, laugh even, etc. etc. are we supposed to pretend that it's not hard to lose a loved one. or even with smaller obstacles in life, are we not allowed to mourn, are we not expected to mourn. shit, i think i should be mourning almost all the time. i feel guilty if i'm not mourning about all the fucked up things in this world and in our lives...but that doesn't exclude the presence of hope. i must have hope. i must believe in hope. i must live for it, i feel like there's nothing else. i can't know God exists, i can only hope he exists. the bible defines "faith" to be this, "being sure of what you hope for, and the evidence of things unseen." shit, if we don't even have hope, than how can we have faith? hope is only the beginning. and faith isn't reserved for spiritual belief's, as most people tend to assume. but we, as humanity, put our faith in all sorts of things; the government, our spouses, our friends, our jobs, all of our comforts, we put our faith in them, all of them. i have to believe my girlfriend isn't going to screw me over, i have to learn to have faith in her. and she's away from me a lot of the time, so i have to learn to "be sure of what i hope for" in her. and she must do the same with me. (this is a sidenote, i wish every one would realize how vital it is to be a trustworthy person, seriously grow up and take responsibility for your actions. learn to do the right things all the time, because they will have an affect on your entire life. cause-effect. consequence.) anyway, too many people say they have "faith in god", but they really have none. (wow, i'm getting so sidetracked...scatterbrained. so much to say.) so hope. i believe it's like water, most of your body is made up of it. if you really examine yourself, you can't really make it without some sort of hope in something, whether you want to admit that or not. god, sometimes i wonder if i sound like an idiot. i just spend most of my time thinking as deeply into things as i can...i'm glad the people closest to me don't get too tired of all of it. poor aaron, he just wants me to leave him alone sometimes.
so, i believe in hope. that's a start for me, i'm happy with that. god? i want to believe in him. i believe in him in a sort of monotheistic way, sort of an "omnipresence" sort of way. i'm not sure beyond that. i'm just not. when i'm drunk i believe in god, i preach the word, i help the homeless. i've only been drunk twice, it's no good. drinking too much restricts your ability to place a censorship on how you'd most automatically respond to a situation. so deep down, most automatically, i want to be a christian. i just get so fucking** tired of consumerism/american/"make me feel good. i want to feel like a good person. Jesus loves me. i'm going to heaven." christianity and i don't want to be a part of it at all. AT ALL. it needs to change. something needs to change, and i'll be patient. but i believe in hope thoroughly. i'm also one of the most somber people you're bound to meet. i feel a strong sense of pain for certain people. people who are hurting, i feel pain for them, and i have hope for them. people who are pregnant too early, especially girls who get fucked and then the bastard leaves her. i feel pain for them, and i have hope for them. i feel pain for the families that have completely self-destructed their lives. but i have hope that the individual relationships in those situations can be healed, straigtened, beneficial. though the family is lost forever, the parts of the family might find a way to be. to be, productive. progressive. not destructive anymore, or regressive. wow, i digress. so i believe in hope. hope is not a personal characteristic, some people aren't just intrinsically more hopeful than others, it takes practice for every individual to become hopeful. if you believe in "should's and should not's", which everyone does, then you would probably agree that everyone should be hopeful by default. i'm glad lucas has made an attempt recently to be more hopeful. and i feel his pain. he is mourning. and he rejoices. they are simultaneous. just as hope should be paired with a healthy amount of wisdom that every situation could end up going wrong. but we hope, we hope for the best. i hope lucas finds peace. my friend bryn had something interesting to say about peace, though i don't remember what it was exactly, we were at breakfast before he had to go back to school. something about how "peace" is - "the state in which you're in rightness with God." most dictionaries define 'peace' as being "the freedom from...a list of negatives." but think of peace more as, "the ability to experience the positives." rightness with God. i'm all over the place, i'm in a good mood. i'm in love. dictionary.com defines "peace" to be "the normal, nonwarring condition...of something." so does that mean that if you aren't in war with your father, you just don't ever talk to him, then you're at peace with him? so does that mean, if we're not dropping bombs on another country, we're at peace with them? peace isn't so special if this is all it means, is it? and all we ask for is the world's peace...sorry. i believe in hope.
-andrew t.
*--- i've never understood why the common phrase is "no pun intended". is it a humility issue? because a "pun" is a literary device that adds humor to whatever is being said, and usually witty people will intend on using it...? so, PUN INTENDED. i'm not witty.
**--- i've used a bit of displeasing language in this blog entry, i hope you're not offended. i'll take the opportunity to blame it on my dear friend lucas, read his blog, you'll understand. i spent all of this past weekend with him. i need to be cleansed for a while.
currently listening to: "how it feels to be something on" by: Sunny Day Real Estate. jeremy enigk.
posted by andrew at 19:29
1 Comments:
this is so epic. there is so much here. truth. you're very insightful, my friend.
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