sunday, february 6th, 2011.

i wasn't lying, but you said with such confidence that I was. you always want me to be happy, but you're never happy with who i am. how does that make sense? you act as if everything is so clear, but you can't see past the walls you've built. i'm broken and so are you. why should we pretend the world is any different than this?

are my proclamations of peace only a curse? because when i shout righteous anger you call me a passive-aggressive fake. how can i fight for peace if my hammer against the walls of falsehood is seen as destruction itself? oh you are so backwards! you love to take lies and decorate them in the language of truth. i wish no evil repayment to you, only that your mouth would be silenced until you find a reverence again for 'good', for 'truth'; for purity & unity rather than secrets & dissension.

all of your attempts to build your castles, to build your ladders, to distinguish yourselves and separate yourselves, may they burn! i'm done with this complacency, i will light a match and invite my friends to do the same. may your traditions, your lies, your false pretensions, your costumes, may they burn away, like chaff, leaving only what's real, bare and exposed.

most of you will write me off, call me a looney. call me a deranged soul, a lost sheep. but i invite your persecutions. i expect them. i know the stones are falling, because i hit the walls with my hammer. it would be no surprise, because you already call the words of Abba "foolishness" and rely on your own formations of language instead.

does it make you feel good? does it give you comfort to construct your own choice theology that conveniently supports all that you want in this life?

oh to be like a child, of purity, trusting every word his Father speaks! may we trust like child, a fool to the world!

true courage is not having that security.

so, i have been reading a beautiful book by Shane Claiborne & Chris Haw entitled, "Jesus for President" (No, they would not vote for Jesus if he were running for Office.) Read the book, you may hate it, or you may fall in love with the freedoms that are realized in its wisdom.

2 interesting, ironic and eerie things happened to me this morning while i was working barista at IKE Box. I was reading "War Stories", a chapter from "Jesus for President" and I checked my facebook for kicks (yes, on slow saturday's, i admittedly resort to socializing on the internet occasionally.) A friend from high school, whom I never knew well but whom I was acquaintances with, Brandon Dye invited me to be his friend on facebook. I went to his profile and checked on how he was doing and what he was into. I noticed that he had "United States Air Force" listed as one of his businesses, so out of fear and neglect, I denied his request. I had fear because in reading this book, I have decided that I am completely opposed to the ideals and teachings of the U.S. and I will from now on, to death, serve only one master as well as i can, Jesus. I denied Brandon because I figured, why make friends with an enemy? I continued reading the book and quickly realized my logic was twisted and I searched for Brandon on facebook and eventually found him again and requested that he be my friend, besides, I am supposed to love my enemies.

The second interesting thing that happened was also while I was working at IKE Box today. Two girls and a guy came in, loudly, obnoxiously, around the ages of 27ish, and inquired about ordering an ICEE, made of 0% juice. The guy quickly asked if we accept the "military discount" - i replied, "I'm not sure." He said, "so you don't know?" and I again replied, "I don't know, I don't think so." He was apparently ok with this, because they went on to order 1 large, 32 oz. White Cherry ICEE (again, 0% cherry.) As I was serving their ICEE, he was loudly pronouncing that he loved life, he has "a job, money, the lord, he's 27, he serves in the military, and he's happy."

Why the hell are these things smacking me in the face? Or have I just been blind my whole life?

If you claim to love the one true God. then you need to consider how devoted you should be to a nation of the world. educate yourself on both sides and make a decision, but it is quite clear that we are to choose one or the other.

-andrew t.


currently listening to "Station" by: Russian Circles

letter to world of war.

It is ultimately unclear. You had a beautiful dream, didn't you? But what dream lasts for centuries? "one cannot serve both God and money. one cannot have more than one master." Have we ultimately turned from God? Then he will let our ways have their way with us. My allegiance is not to a nation any longer! I refuse, to death, any submission to the expectations of this world; of a nation's requirements.

If Jesus were here now, in our town, would he put his hand over his heart and pledge his allegiance to a flag of a nation of this world? Would he enlist in a worldly nation's army, and act according to its requirements, its expectations, its ideals? No, our identity is not of this world, we are called to be aliens. Our kingdom, our land, is of Zion. The Lord is the king of this land. "we do not conform to the patterns of this world, instead we are renewed and transformed."

We must remember throughout this life, that we are called to love and forgive one another. All of human life is sacred, and we are called to love everyone. Those who are lost in darkness cause and experience suffering, and we should love them. Those who have some shaft of light within their lives are responsible to continually seek the light and resort to it. They need love too, we all need love. We are all lost in darkness and in need of a savior, of a king. We are wise to choose a king who can lead us to true freedom, us as humanity.

How would my brother, Jared, who has passed, advise us to spend our energy and our allegiance? How would he advise us to spend our time? I know how I would spend my time if I had another chance to meet with him. Are we loving the ones we love, and loving the ones who we don't know yet? What is the value we have placed on life and soul? Will my brothers and I, now, gather and seek the light together, united? Why do we go on bothering with our meaningless meanderings through careers and finances and status? I believe there are more important things.

I understand that we all need an anthem to sing along to, to chant. Please make it the anthem of truth and light and love! And these are all realities inclusive to all nations and races and religions. Grace and peace be with all of us.

-andrew t.



currently listening to: "Black Holes & Revelations" by: Muse.

poem on music and mistakes.

04.01.08

it is a dissonant stage
with a beautiful, light backlining melody
the foundation more mathematic than natural
and the melody, too perfect for that song.

and that is why i am here
and you are there.

which composer was hired,
who could not complete his notations?
who was released from the job
before the film was finished.

and now it is showing in another land.
I don't know, I have not seen it.
You are there and I don't know where that is.

I wonder what kind of song it is now?

Maybe this composer could calculate
how to connect the bass with the melody.
Maybe the film's climax is enhanced
by this song's delicate introduction of
bass and melody as one.

I wouldn't know, I haven't heard it.

But I am writing a new song,
and I think it's coming along just fine.

notebook of lists, rewriting your notebook of lists. (mrf)

eat well. eat less.
deposit my tips into the bank account, don't buy food food food.
i used money that i don't have.

$37.00 - 13.708 gallons of regular gasoline.

there is so much i'd like to write about...but where's the time? i wonder what it is, the universal secret of all authors. they have a passage way to a space that is free of time, they enter, and don't spend time, they are outside of the boundaries of time. they get stuff done. they don't tire.

a short story, perhaps, about him. “man of constant sorrows.” O, Brother Where Art Thou? is a good film. funny.

a man who I’ve always seen as one who could be extremely wise, unlike most others, a potential for wisdom. it’s strange that because of this potential, the fact that he still makes the wrong decisions makes him more of a fool than he would be if he didn’t have such capabilities.

FOOL FOOL FOOL FOOL FOOL FOOL.

maybe he’s schizophrenic.

“maybe he’s a.d.d…he must be A.D.D.”

or obsessive – compulsive. “it’s only one of my excuses.”

don’t be sarcastic with my smoking habits. if anything, not my smoking. fucker.




currently listening to: “medicine madison” by: The Empty. www.theempty.com

our life.

"The Food and Drug Administration has determined there is no significant difference between milk from rbST treated cows and non-rbST treated cows."

to the one i love.

"the world's my oyster soup kitchen floor wax museum." -king crimson

live. die. and inside, we move on and around. and sometimes we don't move. we sit still, like a fallen tree, wasting away and aging. other times, we swim our path, like a salmon upstream, to find its purpose. we climb rapids, we jump, failing often, but succeeding eventually.

life goes on. we win, and lose. we have no control. we love. we hate. we learn that hate is useless. love moves us. god is here, and nowhere.

the sun could melt us away...make us dry. but my love for you is an ever-flowing fresh spring inside my soul that fills my mind with a peace that conquers every struggle and sickness. i vomit and i'm happy because i have you. i bleed and ache, but i have you, and i'm happy. i fight for breath, but i have you, and i'm alive.

you are beautiful. and you make me beautiful inside.

-andrew t.

on oil, war, and the earth in general.

firstly, i've seen many attempts at reducing the cost of fuel in America. Planned boycots on certain dates, or boycotting certain oil companies to force them to reduce their prices allowing other companies in the industry to reduce their prices as well. what are we doing? why are we so worried about money?

do we not realize that there is a limited amount of oil in the earth? We have something like 30-50 years of oil left if we continue using it at the current rate of use. (this info. isn't based on much, just memory.) The point is, making gasoline cheaper is only going to more quickly decrease the amount of it we have...I'm referring to facebook groups and myspace bulletins encouraging people to decrease oil prices...do we not realize the consequences of this? we need to wake up and have some common sense...

that said, driving is one of my favorite hobbies. i love driving my '91 Volkswagen Jetta. I love that it gets 30+ mpg on the freeway. You know, i'm reducing the use of oil by driving a car that gets such great mileage!!! my car has about 205,000 miles on it. At 30.mpg (which it doesn't always quite get, depending on whether it's city streets or freeway miles), it has used 6,833 gallons of gasoline. My car alone. Do the math for your car.

then, there is war to consider. well, there is always war to consider. the world is fallen. there will not be peace until there is a reclamation of ourselves by the truth.



currently listening: "sketches for my sweetheart the drunk" by: Jeff Buckley.

so lucas doesn't like poetry...and he wants to be poor?

lucas keeps a good blog here ---> lucas' blog <--- you should read it. he can't spell worth shit...but it's the kind of misspelling in an aesthetic way and it adds to the voice of his blog. he's a fucking genius too. sorry, i'm swearing, lucas makes me think of swearing. actually, he talks about this in his blog slightly, i can't figure out what he's really trying to say sometimes. but it's interesting nonetheless. (here's one of my favorite quotes from his most recent entry; "so i bought a cd and a fast food meal and it left me deaf and hungry.")

i have absolutely no idea what i'm going to write about right now, i just know i haven't written for a month or so. i wrote a good paper today. it was due at 5pm, and i started it at about 3:15pm. i was supposed to write a parody on one of the authors we've read in my survey of american lit. class. there was a problem though, i couldn't figure out, really, what a parody is. the definitions i found on the word parody implied that it was a piece of writing that showed some sort of fault in whatever it was parodying. i just wasn't feeling like criticizing a writer who's far better than i'll probably ever be. so i picked the short story that i felt most connected with that we've read, and i just wrote about a true story that had an almost exactly similar meaning, except i wrote about how i wish the ending would turn out. and the ending in the actual story, "hands" by Sherman Anderson, was quite ambiguous, so i commentated on that a bit, and it was fun. i love being forced to finish a piece of writing in a short amount of time. i usually get really inspired and it ends up being better than i hoped, and it's a great feeling. i hope Taylor knows how much i love him.

i don't know really why i have this obsession with 'hope'. i guess i just believe that it's sort of like drinking water. you have to drink water. most of your body is made up of water. you can't go three days without drinking some water, or you'll die. (i once studied about fasting and found that you can't go longer than two days without drinking water or you'll get really sick, and you won't live past three days without drinking water. but if you prepare your body correctly, you can live without food for approximately 21 days. i'd like to go sometime in my life without eating for a few weeks, it would be an amazing experience.) but joel wrote a song called "procession to follow" about how there is a reception immediately following a funeral. it's almost as if everyone is expected to grieve about a death and then go to a reception and have cake (pun intended*), smile, encourage, laugh even, etc. etc. are we supposed to pretend that it's not hard to lose a loved one. or even with smaller obstacles in life, are we not allowed to mourn, are we not expected to mourn. shit, i think i should be mourning almost all the time. i feel guilty if i'm not mourning about all the fucked up things in this world and in our lives...but that doesn't exclude the presence of hope. i must have hope. i must believe in hope. i must live for it, i feel like there's nothing else. i can't know God exists, i can only hope he exists. the bible defines "faith" to be this, "being sure of what you hope for, and the evidence of things unseen." shit, if we don't even have hope, than how can we have faith? hope is only the beginning. and faith isn't reserved for spiritual belief's, as most people tend to assume. but we, as humanity, put our faith in all sorts of things; the government, our spouses, our friends, our jobs, all of our comforts, we put our faith in them, all of them. i have to believe my girlfriend isn't going to screw me over, i have to learn to have faith in her. and she's away from me a lot of the time, so i have to learn to "be sure of what i hope for" in her. and she must do the same with me. (this is a sidenote, i wish every one would realize how vital it is to be a trustworthy person, seriously grow up and take responsibility for your actions. learn to do the right things all the time, because they will have an affect on your entire life. cause-effect. consequence.) anyway, too many people say they have "faith in god", but they really have none. (wow, i'm getting so sidetracked...scatterbrained. so much to say.) so hope. i believe it's like water, most of your body is made up of it. if you really examine yourself, you can't really make it without some sort of hope in something, whether you want to admit that or not. god, sometimes i wonder if i sound like an idiot. i just spend most of my time thinking as deeply into things as i can...i'm glad the people closest to me don't get too tired of all of it. poor aaron, he just wants me to leave him alone sometimes.

so, i believe in hope. that's a start for me, i'm happy with that. god? i want to believe in him. i believe in him in a sort of monotheistic way, sort of an "omnipresence" sort of way. i'm not sure beyond that. i'm just not. when i'm drunk i believe in god, i preach the word, i help the homeless. i've only been drunk twice, it's no good. drinking too much restricts your ability to place a censorship on how you'd most automatically respond to a situation. so deep down, most automatically, i want to be a christian. i just get so fucking** tired of consumerism/american/"make me feel good. i want to feel like a good person. Jesus loves me. i'm going to heaven." christianity and i don't want to be a part of it at all. AT ALL. it needs to change. something needs to change, and i'll be patient. but i believe in hope thoroughly. i'm also one of the most somber people you're bound to meet. i feel a strong sense of pain for certain people. people who are hurting, i feel pain for them, and i have hope for them. people who are pregnant too early, especially girls who get fucked and then the bastard leaves her. i feel pain for them, and i have hope for them. i feel pain for the families that have completely self-destructed their lives. but i have hope that the individual relationships in those situations can be healed, straigtened, beneficial. though the family is lost forever, the parts of the family might find a way to be. to be, productive. progressive. not destructive anymore, or regressive. wow, i digress. so i believe in hope. hope is not a personal characteristic, some people aren't just intrinsically more hopeful than others, it takes practice for every individual to become hopeful. if you believe in "should's and should not's", which everyone does, then you would probably agree that everyone should be hopeful by default. i'm glad lucas has made an attempt recently to be more hopeful. and i feel his pain. he is mourning. and he rejoices. they are simultaneous. just as hope should be paired with a healthy amount of wisdom that every situation could end up going wrong. but we hope, we hope for the best. i hope lucas finds peace. my friend bryn had something interesting to say about peace, though i don't remember what it was exactly, we were at breakfast before he had to go back to school. something about how "peace" is - "the state in which you're in rightness with God." most dictionaries define 'peace' as being "the freedom from...a list of negatives." but think of peace more as, "the ability to experience the positives." rightness with God. i'm all over the place, i'm in a good mood. i'm in love. dictionary.com defines "peace" to be "the normal, nonwarring condition...of something." so does that mean that if you aren't in war with your father, you just don't ever talk to him, then you're at peace with him? so does that mean, if we're not dropping bombs on another country, we're at peace with them? peace isn't so special if this is all it means, is it? and all we ask for is the world's peace...sorry. i believe in hope.

-andrew t.




*--- i've never understood why the common phrase is "no pun intended". is it a humility issue? because a "pun" is a literary device that adds humor to whatever is being said, and usually witty people will intend on using it...? so, PUN INTENDED. i'm not witty.

**--- i've used a bit of displeasing language in this blog entry, i hope you're not offended. i'll take the opportunity to blame it on my dear friend lucas, read his blog, you'll understand. i spent all of this past weekend with him. i need to be cleansed for a while.


currently listening to: "how it feels to be something on" by: Sunny Day Real Estate. jeremy enigk.

a poem i wrote yesterday.

there is no way out
of being inside yourself
knowing yourself too well
to forget, it was about,
it was about time,
about the time you've waited,
for what seems like nothing,
nothing like what you had before,
or what you thought you'd have.

and now you're twisting inside,
inside your nerves are tangled,
as you try to tangle the present
with the past, is who you were,
the past is who you were.
But what is the future?
do any of you know the future?
Someone tell us please...
And who do you want to be?
can you find the space to dream?


the past is who you were.
the present is who you are.
the future is who you will be.

a scattered narration on my evening. unclear.

hello. how are you?

i want a cure i want a cure. does anyone read this? if you are reading this...leave me a comment and say hello.

i was talking to my best friend lucas tonight. i love seeing my best friends. i had dinner with brody, raeanna surprised me and kissed me, it was nice. and then lucas came over and we watched a good movie and discussed our opposing views of "modest mouse" --- he was complaining in his blog --- http://lucaswantstobepoor.blogspot.com --- about how he has been struggling with being cynical. and i suggested that maybe it's because he has been filling his mind lately with FUCKING modest mouse. (i kind of REALLY dislike them...and bright eyes...two of lucas' favorites...sorry, don't take it personally...seriously.) but yes...i understand that modest mouse has some really great music...i'll admit, they are musically great. i feel similarly to bright eyes, he has some really great stuff...but i can't get past their destructive attitudes toward life, our lives, our struggles, our hopes and passions: these artists are NOT helping the pains of this world...they are feeding them. i'm sorry...but i can't support that, it doesn't work for me. i don't know why i'm writing about this...i'm bored and i don't want to sleep. good night.


currently listening to "Funeral" by: Arcade Fire. http://www.arcadefire.com

yellow stick figure

this is a riddle about nothing.

8 hours of the last 24 hours of my life were spent in a completely unconscious state. but i was breathing...carrying on, sleeping. how many of you will turn 24 and realize that you've wasted 8 years of your life just breathing and carrying on?

what is it that we should put our lives into? friends. football. politics. school. religion. career. money. community service? i don't even know anymore...i used to know. just like you, i used to know exactly what to do. now, there's hardly anything that seems to demand necessary constant attention from me. maybe i'm just trying to loose the things that will let me go. if they will let me go, they don't need me. if they can't let me go, they must need me. who are they?

yellow stick figure enters a door that was drawn ahead of time. yellow stick figure sees what he was supposed to see. yellow stick figure is changed. yellow stick figure sits on the red couch inside of the room. yellow stick figure gets comfortable and makes friends inside of the room. yellow stick figure is at home. yellow stick figure thinks red and believes red. yellow stick figure doesn't go outside. yellow stick figure is happy. yellow stick figure hates the outside. i love yellow stick figure. yellow stick figure doesn't know how to love me.

currently listening to: "pocket symphony" by: Air. http://www.pocket-symphony.com/

love. not a game. simple v. complex

the fluent languages of love. how many fluent speakers of love are there in the world? if love is a language, a means of communication. love is more than that. love is a promise. it is a declaration. are we really supposed to love all? how are loves different, or supposed to be different from one to another? what should I promise to my lover, and not to everyone else?

is love like music? there are musicians who specialize in certain genres of music, but know nothing of others. are there people who only want to love in one way? what problems does this create for relationships?

I never speak bullshit in my journal. it's always heartfelt, true to me at the moment. of course, some of my beliefs will change, always i hope. and realizations i've had in the last three years may not have been effective in previous entries. myself, like everyone else, is an evolving mind (or, soul). Minds evolve, or grow, at different rates. some get much further than others. wisdom. it comes if you want it. if you're constantly evaluating life, and taking steps toward true wisdom. there are 60 year old men who are complete fools. There are 16 year old boys who know how to refrain from fucking up every chance they get.

-------------
that was from my journal earlier today...yea. i believe people either choose to acquire wisdom, or deny it. i've heard a lot in my short life so far, "wisdom comes with years." but that's only if the years were spent in search of wisdom. older men have more potential to be wise. but they also have had many years in which they could have completely abandoned the hopes of wisdom. and regarding love: i wasn't answering any of those questions about love, sure i have ideas about some of them, but love's just really on my mind. it seems obvious to me that there are definitely very different ways of loving different people in our lives. love is sacred. so many different thoughts in my head right now, and so many of them are completely hidden from you.

-andrew t.


currently listening to: "Funeral" by: The Arcade Fire. http://www.arcadefire.com

the lessons i've learned as a driver.

today i was driving home from school...

well, anyway...i've been driving for 6 years.

once, a few months ago, I had a conversation with my friend from school, Zac M. this conversation was about what kind of driver i am. radiohead tells me to be a "patient, better driver." i think i'm a good and patient driver. but other drivers tend to hate me when i'm driving. i don't get mad when i'm driving, in fact, i don't really get mad ever, or at least i don't express it outwardly. zac and i were talking about how i never get mad at other drivers, even when they do frustrating things, but that i make other drivers frustrated all the time.

i'm an agressive driver. i get it from my father. i like being very time-efficient. i change lanes a lot, i speed up, i slow down. i usually obey the laws, never going more than 10.mph over the speed limit. i always use my blinker. i always check my blindspots. i've been in one accident and it wasn't really my fault. i've never had a ticket (though i've been pulled over countless times.) i'm a good, safe, cautious, experienced driver.

but today, as i was driving home from school...(here we are at the beginning.) I was on commercial St. (in Salem). i made a quick lane change, and a really quick acceleration to 45mph, in a 40mph zone. and at the light after that, an old man in a car pulled up next to me. I saw him glance over at me, so i turned to him in time to read his lips speak two words, "fucking idiot." I'm a fucking idiot. though i'm sure, if i asked him, he probably wouldn't be able to tell me that he hadn't caused an accident, or that he had never received a ticket. i did nothing to him. and i wasn't even mad that he said that about me. in fact, i was waiting for him to look back over at me so that i could wave to him, dying to see how he would react to that. (do not repay evil with evil, but rather, repay evil with good. it will be like pouring hot coals upon their heads.) it's from the bible.

anyway, i love driving. and i won't get mad at you, even if you cut me off, i'll just laugh. cause i'm laid back. but watch out for me, because you're probably going to hate me, though i never meant to do you any harm.

-andrew t.



currently listening to nothing.

a song i wrote a long time ago.

"the great equalizer"

you are the daylight
in this dark town.
you are the rainfall
in this drought of ours.

you are the lifetime
of hope...in this old man's dying heart.

you are the river
in this desert, so dry.
you are the freedom
in this cell of mine.

you are the warm fire
that burns...in our cold hearts that don't feel anymore.

you are my sleep
in this tiring life.
you are the sweet music
in these guns of war.

you are forever
and i'm just a moment that's here and gone, lost in time.



---it's about how God is the answer to every problem. he's the great healer. he can replace every painful hole and void. but he can only do it if you believe it. and so you should believe. don't believe in church, or other believers, they'll ruin it for you. but believe in God. God is good.



currently listening to "misery is a butterfly" by Blonde Redhead. http://www.blonde-redhead.com

theories and hypotheses.

i tend to be developing them constantly. my mind is constantly working things out, trying to solve the equations of psychology and sociology. or rather, the health triangle; physical, mental, social (or the health square; physical, mental, social, spiritual.) i am always observing things and finding values and consistencies in them.

i am a vulnerable person. i know this. it's ok.

one of the main theories i've been convinced of lately is a special one to me. i believe strongly that the music a person chooses to listen to will greatly impact that person's state of mind. i mean this very generally, that the person's attitude, personality, and vast characteristics will be impacted, if not shaped by the tone of the music that the person chooses to dwell on. when i say, "tone of music", i'm talking about the sense the music gives. music has many different tones; honest, humorous, sarcastic, angry, regretful, hopeless, cynical, joyful, hopeful.

i believe that a wise person will look at this theory, and choose his music accordingly. think about what your music is stating. what is its purpose? be careful with how you let yourself be influenced, or controlled, by its tone. be careful, as always. do you struggle with something specific? anger...fear...sarcasm...depression? if so, then don't dwell on music that is angry, fearful, sarcastic, depressing. do yourself a favor.

stemming from this theory is more of a hypothesis. truth is a concept that is often lied about. it's easy to put the label of "truth" on any idea a person wants to represent and argue for. but this doesn't mean it's necessarily a truth. it's like the phrase, "you can't believe everything you read." you have to use a learned discernment with everything. you can't believe every book you read, because many of them contradict. you can't accept every popular artist's lyrics as truth, because they are often skewed into something of a motive other than that of "truth". even the common emphasis on "love" from many popular musical artists isn't a "truth" that they follow too strictly, in general.

be careful with where you choose to take your advice on the issues of truth.
don't listen to the false prophets who claim truth for their own purposes.

remember. hypocrisy doesn't disprove a truth. truth is truth. it can't be changed.

and using a trendy, poetic way of saying something that is claimed to be "truth" doesn't mean it is true. use discernment and wisdom. (notice: i'm not telling you at all what i think truth is, i'm just discussing ideas of how to find the real truth, despite what might be popular or unpopular.)



currently listening to all of The Velvet Teen full length albums. http://www.myspace.com/thevelvetteen

The ending of a life, and the beginning of one.

Over the past week, i have become extremely fond of a band called "the velvet teen"

Also, I have become extremely interested in reading up on various things on wikipedia.org. these things both happening at the same time, i've read about The Velvet Teen on wikipedia. in doing this, I learned that former member of The Velvet Teen, Logan Whitehurst, had left the band before The Velvet Teen's most recent album, "Cum Laude!" He had done this to pursue his solo work ambitions, and also, he needed to leave due to a new presence of cancer in his body.

another thing i have taken up in the past week is downloading files from the OSU hub. all of these things acting together, i downloaded Logan Whitehurst's most popular solo album. Tonight, I'm listening to my current favorite The Velvet Teen song, when i open a myspace bulletin from The Velvet Teen announcing that Logan Whitehurst has passed away today from cancer.

This hits me pretty hard. i sat breathless and motionless for a few minutes. only considering life. considering death. considering how an artist is currently inspiring me, and also currently dead. this is honestly hard for me. it seems so hard at this moment to have to face the fact that this musician, who i've so recently learned to appreciate so greatly, is dead.

earlier on the phone, i told raeanna that life is weird. life is so strange. when will i die?

if an "accident is waiting to happen...", is it really an accident? is there such a thing as 'fate'? and if so, how does our free will co-exist with fate? can it? my thought is, 'yes, it can.'

the end, i suppose. (and the beginning of something new, i hope.)



currently listening to "Out Of the Fierce Parade" by The Velvet Teen. http://thevelvetteen.com/

i'm too much of an optimist...i'm not going to last. oh wait...i can't say that, i'm an optimist.

i can't imagine it's a bad thing that i believe in good things. i believe they can always happen.
i believe the bad things in life can be reconstructed to become beautiful.

there is still a sense of ugliness, or pain, inside of this freshly, recreated beautiful object.

for example, i have a tattoo on my foot, it says "grace". i am consequently "scarred by grace". tattoos are essentially scars with ink. that's why they are dark on your skin. tattoos hurt a bit. the act of getting a painful tattoo of a beautiful word had purpose. i usually feel this way when i think of the concept of grace. it's painful to be forgiven of the things i've done or the things i hate about myself. but through that pain is a beautiful outcome. to accept grace is to loose your pride, to accept fault. this is usually a painful release, but such a beautiful one.

hope can be smashed (and it usually is). but hope is sometimes the only thing that will get you through the hardest moment's of your life. don't give up on hope. because if you do, then you are, in effect, giving up on everything. and some things are worth holding on to.

so when i tell you that there is always hope, things can always be better. don't give up. i'm not trying to tell you that you don't suffer pain, because you do. and i'm not trying to tell you that you won't suffer pain again, because you will. but i'm trying to tell you that you can overcome that because of something beautiful. grace.

i just want people to be healthy and always consider what it is that could cure. what is it...what is it that could possibly cure. search for it. you must.



currently listening to "Premiers Symptômes" by Air.

they don't teach "wisdom 101" in the universities.

Nor can a student choose to major in wisdom. (what would someone do with a wisdom major anyway?)

Of course, there are philosophy majors. In fact, my philosophy of art professor said today that "philosophy and wisdom are synonyms." I was very humoured to hear a philosophy instructor say that. I believe it is wise to study all sorts of different philosophies for the purpose of broadening one's perspective, but to say that philosophy=wisdom is simply not true.

I find it to be very interesting that wisdom isn't taught in the universities. After pondering this for a while during class, I began to question what wisdom actually is. The bible says that there are two types of wisdom. There is wisdom of the world and divine wisdom.

(Why do I care what the bible says? Well, I'm an English major and the bible is one of the most phenomenal literary masterpieces that we're aware of. Also, if you understand the context of what you're reading, if you're open to what the bible says, if you're in a position to receive it; you can sometimes feel movement in the words. In other words, what is said has a way of intruding your comfort and confronting your discomfort. I believe it is wise to destroy your comfort and open the wounds of discomfort.)

1 Corinthians 1: 18-21 says:

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written: 'I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.' Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe."

Basically, that means to me that there is a deeper wisdom to find than what can simply be found by using logic or reason. There is a wisdom that can only be understood spiritually, and this spiritual wisdom can sort of contain the worldly wisdom and keep it regulated. Worldy wisdom is important to understand for the sake of understanding the people in the world, but the challenge is to help the people of the world find a way to open their spirit to the beauty of the mysterious divine wisdom. And this brings me to the purpose of my life.

Many people are searching for ease, comfort, stability, fortune, etc. Many people have experienced things that, according to the wisdom of the world, shut them away from ever really finding peace, joy, contentment, beauty, etc. Ecclesiastes 1:18 says: "For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief." What I find to be saddening about wisdom, is that with it you see that there is no escape for the heart of the one who isn't searching for the divine wisdom, because the wisdom of the world provides no answers for disaster. But the wisdom of God says that with disaster will come healing, with mourning will come joy, with internal-struggle will come peace.

To end this blog, which could go on forever and never end, I will quote one more section of scripture which I find to be quite interesting and key in understanding the interaction of divine wisdom with our lives. Proverbs 1:20-27 says: (remember, this is Wisdom talking...not God.)

"Wisdom calls aloud in the street, she raises her voice in the public squares; at the head of the noisy streets she cries out, in the gateways of the city she makes her speech:

'How long will you simple ones love your simple ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge? If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you. But since you rejected me when I called and no one gave heed when I stretched out my hand, since you ignored all my advice and would not accept my rebuke, I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock when calamity overtakes you-- when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you.
Then they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me. Since they hated knowledge and did not choose to fear the LORD, since they would not accept my advice and spurned my rebuke, they will eat the fruit of their ways and be filled with the fruit of their schemes. For the waywardness of the simple will destroy them; but whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, without fear of harm."





currently listening to "Bodysong." by: Jonny Greenwood. http://www.radiohead.com/

a poem for the elevator.

"innocent slave"

you are the ones who cover the writing on the walls.
you are the ones who tear down the messages from underground.
you are the ones who burn books of ideas, free ideas. free.
you are the rulers, the rulers of thought, the rulers of death.
you are the kings of king. the deciding rule. temporary life and temporary death.


there is a story of a people who had to survive in bondage. they had to survive as slaves in a land of freedom. a land that proclaimed freedom, while simultaneously imprisoning the hungry and the thirsty (denying them of food or drink). while ignoring those with nothing but innocence...chains and innocence.


choose the person you want to be. an innocent man in chains, or a free man hiding the key.


currently listening to "neon golden" by The Notwist. http://www.notwist.com/

honesty and openness invites pain and brokenness.

it's the wretched truth of our lives. we are empty with only ourselves.

if a person doesn't face this truth, he lives in a state of dishonesty with the world and himself. everyone must face this loneliness at some point. some people face it every day, some people ignore it always.

i might be one of those who faces it more often, though i often do hide myself in comforts, normalities, agendas, interests, etc. when i escape the lies, or walls that i build, i face the inevitable truth...i am lost and often completely alone. and then to think that every individual is in the same boat...alone...together and alone, a profound pain falls upon me and i think of Christ. Christ had to feel this pain of being a human, completely separated from real life, from breathing without having to inhale, he had to feel this pain intensely, but he also chose to feel it for everyone else and suffer our pains with us.

i believe that the path to take is to face this truth, this pain. to feel it, and then to find others who feel it, and share the pain with them. this pain can sometimes feel overbearing, and that is when you find cases of suicide or other empty actions of desolation.

this isn't something to look down upon. i've often heard individuals describe depressed, suicidal people as selfish. i would argue that they are less selfish than one who would say such a thing about this group of people. when a person is lost in thoughts of suicide and helplessness, they are only being forced in their minds to face this reality of humanity that we all should face more often.

i strongly feel that the best way to deal with this problem is to face the pain and find others to confide in. the most important thing in your existence is your relationships with important people and your relationship with Christ. we need to attach to one another in a real, honest and uninhibited way. you don't have to believe in a spiritual savior of your heart and soul to feel and experience the freedom that it can bring. you just can't be closed to the option, and you need to search for what heals you most naturally. i would not say that Jesus is truth, but instead, i would tell you to make a point to honestly seek for the truth. Jesus promised that if you seek then you shall find. anyone who has a belief but tells you not to seek openly and honestly toward your belief doesn't really have a faith in his belief, or at least he doesn't think things through.

i'm very serious about this and would be completely comforted by anyone's desire to discuss it. i'm always very hesitant to discuss suicide, because i know that it's a very real and dangerous thing. through experience, i've learned that you have to treat it with great sensitivity and understanding.

you who experience these thoughts of death and helplessness have no seemingly easy way out. you don't feel able to tell anyone about this...you don't feel like anyone will understand or approve of your brokenness. you feel like no one will be able to relate. i will be bold to say that you know someone very close who has felt similarly. go to someone that you trust deeply; family, lifelong friends, encouraging leaders, etc. tell them your feelings and fears. you are not alone, we are all here with the same emptiness. reach out. there is beauty worth reaching out for, and it is in the deep connections that people can make with each other.



currently listening to "Pretend You're Alive" by Lovedrug. http://www.lovedrugmusic.com/

Existence Lost, a sonnet.

Green to orange and brown; and death becomes beauty.
The health of entropy in life; growth in death.
Dying before my time seems to be my duty
and to rest my soul during my life becomes breathe.
A leaf that blooms, and shines, and clings to its branches
has the colors of deceit, unseen to the world.
The ground upon the roots of these trees advances,
and the lies of inconsequence are gladly told.
How a brief existence holds the ring of sadness?
But in this slight existence lies a true meaning;
the wind that blows through the trees creates a fullness;
and with the falling leaves, death brings life and uprising.
All things are complete in the brokenness of one.
And all things made new and meaningful when it's done.



by: Andrew t.



currently listening to "Brother, Sister" by mewithoutYou. http://www.mewithoutyou.com/

the art of making music that isn't art.

there is something i've never been able to express regarding my place with music. i'm wanting to retrieve myself as much as possible from the patterns of today's musical standards. i'm disgusted with today's music world, a world of money and popularity. the majority of musicians today are only involved with music as a means to an end. though they apparently enjoy music to some extent, it is not the music for which they're involved. they are involved only for some self-centered personal intent. each musician is individual in his level of devotion to the music itself. i am nowhere near where i want to be regarding this issue, but i am confident in my passions and believe i will be able to stand against this world of musical vanity.

i shouldn't compare my musical vision to the vision or lack of vision of other musicians. my music is my own, it is my art. my music is my expression, it is my painting. my music is my voice. my music is my prayer.

my music is not an education that will later provide me a comfortable, well-paid career. my music is not my career, that came from an expensive education and pays me well. my music is my enjoyment, it is what i want to spend my time doing. i want my motives to be pure, free of agenda. i want to write music for its beauty's sake.

like many other areas of life, i hope i have trained myself, or have been trained, so that when the options are presented, a decision is required, i won't have to figure out what it is that i believe to make my decision. my decisions are pre-decided. there is less room for mistakes when you have made pre-decisions. i am talking about if i ever had to make a decision regarding my music. i have to ask myself now...why do i play music? why do i write music? --- i have to decide now where i will allow my music to go. i want to have this viewpoint regarding my music...how much can i hide it, keep it secret? this is very similar to how i feel about Christ Jesus. i want to share my music with the world through films in hollywood, why? because i believe in it, it affects me, and i want to share that. i want people to be affected. i want meaning to defeat vanity in the heart of each person. but it is just that, i don't want to share Christ so that people know i'm a christian. i don't want to share my music so that people know that it is mine. i want to share Christ because of what he can do in the human heart, and i want to share my music because of the beauty i find in it, and i believe it can affect others similarly.

i feel very hypocritical now. i am a hypocrite in fact. but this is a discussion for myself to learn what it is that's in my head. so i'll continue.

tonight i had a discussion with two of my favorite people. it was about the importance of the existence of artists, current and ancient. it began when raeanna asked brody if he knew who Van Gogh is...brody, of course, didn't know. she was astonished, even disgusted at this, and that is how the wonderful discussion started. we ended up comparing classical musicians such as Beethoven and Mozart with current pop artists such as The Beatles (current?), U2, and pop-culture music in general. Raeanna argues that the classical artists changed the world and that current artists will have no such impact (there is debate whether that is actually what she intended to say or not --- please feel welcome to respond to this to clarify your point Rae...), but brody and i believe quite strongly that though we may not approve of how today's music is having an impact, it is indeed changing the course of music's relation to life for many centuries to come (if the centuries do continue...) ---

that may have been hard to understand. simply, i do not support where music is at this moment. mtv is disgusting, television shows such as american idol, or "supernova"---(my family watches it religiously, i hate it.) music as a form of entertainment is demeaning to the idea of music as an art-form. lyrics in music have replaced the music of music. music is a repeated structure of familiar melodies, all for alternate purposes. political, selfish, religious, financial, sexual motives are the purpose of so much of today's music, it's disgusting. this is so real that i sometimes feel a presumption from people that i am a musician for one of the above purposes. and maybe it is true that beethoven was only a musician in order to please his father --- (remember story of father beating his son if he made a mistake on the piano...through the night...slapping his hands at one rhythmic falsity, one unwritten note played...punisment.) --- mozart was only a musician in order to be accepted by a certain class of people. These are only hypothetical ideas in order to explore a possibility. maybe i am wrongfully assuming that classical music is more pure as an art-form because it is lyric-less or more beautiful than most of today's music. maybe it is only that the motives of musicians 200 years ago were different motives than the motives of today's musicians...maybe all musicians use music as a means to an end.


currently reading "Perelandra" by C.S. Lewis. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C._S._Lewis

The rise of a girl. She is risen.

i'm in a philosophy of the arts class. one of the philosophers that we've read believes it is the artist's responsibility to make his art as clear as possible. in fact, he argues that the success of a piece of art is judged by how clear it communicates its message.

in class, i suggested that a possible problem with this theory is that art may sometimes be an attempt to express the inexpressible. or in other words, art is to express the ambiguity of a certain area of reality. we do live in a world where the idea of relativity is more and more being accepted as truth. in vagueness is safety. i find value in seeking. personally exploring, questioning. with art, you can create a forest to explore. that's art to me. it is not that each person finds their own truth, and that truth is different from other seekers' truths, but instead, each seeker may potentially find truth, and all who seek have this potential. none who don't seek will ever find it. you must seek in order to find.

of course, this philosopher was around in the 1700's, and things were different in that age. also, he was an author, not a painter, or a musician. all of these arts are similar to an extent, but i suppose that each carries a unique stance as far as expression, or the art of expressing.

out of love for the hunt. there needs to be a feeling of accomplishment; not in the sense that you've improved, or advanced yourself, but rather, you've become free and in some way released the humanity that binds you. (the divinity that we so selfishly desire for our own. we cannot have it, but we can be with it.)

i have a dear friend named Raeanna. she is an example of someone who rises above what may be expected, or at least what is considered satisfactory for a person. she surpasses that. she seeks and escapes. and ironically, her middle name is Rose.


currently listening to "Talkie Walkie" by Air. http://www.intairnet.org/